In the eyes of society, there is worse than a woman who does not want children: a mother who did not want her own. A big taboo. Author Orna Donath listened to these demonized women.
Orna Donath has chosen not to have children. Even if it means being subjected to lots of inappropriate opinions. With The regret of being a mother , the author takes an interest in those who, too, are never spared from cookie-cutter judgments. Namely, those women who did not want their motherhood. And more precisely, twenty-three anonymous, mostly heterosexual, who are between 26 and 73 years old, and whose experiences and backgrounds differ. They have one, two, or even four children. Some are even grandmothers!
By listening to them, Orna Donath collected heartbreaking testimonies of sincerity, full of affect and contradiction. Through these voices which speak the inexpressible, the author challenges the stereotypes of gender – millennia – of which women are the object, whether they are mothers or not. Here are four good reasons to jump on this book that breaks taboos.
Because it frees the voices of invisible women
These invisible women are mothers who do not dare to speak, or who are not listened to. Those who found themselves pregnant without having really thought about it, or else out of obligation, under the effect of considerable pressure (social, family, conjugal, strike out the unnecessary mention), simply “let themselves be carried by the current”, those who said to themselves that we should do like everyone else, because becoming a mother, when you’re a woman, “it’s normal” … The mother, in 2019, is still a Madonna. We make it sacred: it’s not just conventional to become it, no, it’s a miracle. Motherhood is a chance and those who say the opposite have a problem.
Result, they do not dare to admit that they regret. It would be immoral, unacceptable, or just selfish. Either a mother is irresponsible for having become it without having wanted it, or one retorts her that by force, it will pass: one is not born a mother, one becomes one … Because regret is never really accepted in our society. Especially when it relates to the so-called “role” of women. “It is perceived as a feeling that one must overcome, as one would for a stubborn enemy or an illness”, deciphers the author. But do we say the same about men? No: these, quite simply, are not “made for that”. And their attitude does not cause the slightest cry of stupor.
Because it upsets the “bad mother” complex
No matter what they say, mothers will always be guilty. To speak of these women who “regret” is to evoke the complex that demonstrates it: that of the “bad mother”. It means, for example, all those who refuse the injunction that “the family comes first”. And rather perceive in this order one way as another to limit their horizons and potential, under the pretext of values and common sense.
“Bad mother” sounds like “stepmother”. It feels like a fairy tale a bit primary! The psychology of these mothers is fascinating in complexity. There are those who adore their children but cannot bear to be mothers. Who feel suffocated by this responsibility. Who would like to go back. Consider it a “youthful mistake”. Deplore having to give up many things “which a man should not give up”. And others who say to themselves, laughing: “in a next life, we will not have children!”.
Ditto for grannies. Some see this role as a second chance. One way to correct what makes them feel so wrong – wrongly. But others just can’t do it: “I do the right thing, I call my grandchildren, I worry. But it’s not me, it’s not my thing” , says one of them. When these women speak, they seem to apologize for not being what they are supposed to be. As if their discomfort was transgressive. So, for a long time, they keep it within themselves.
We scrutinize “bad” mothers as we judge pregnant women. Maternal mental load or not, they must look after their appearance, dress well, make up, comb their hair. Be good presentable mothers. “Their bodies are not free, even for a brief moment,” said the investigator. From A to Z, motherhood does not exclude anything that we say.
Because it is a (really) rich reflection
Orna Donath passes the crazy complexity of motherhood with a scalpel. Anguish or vocation, the condition of mother is a curse or a blessing. The author quotes the American feminist philosopher Diana Tietjens Meyers, for whom motherhood seems to be imposed on women as “the only possible scenario” of their existence. Without emergency exit. Women are losers from the start: they are doomed to a game for which they have not written the rules.
Saying this taboo is difficult since there is a fear of harming children. Let them think they are unwanted. However, for some, speaking openly is proof of respect for their offspring. Not just because it’s honest, no: but because opening their voices makes them understand that other ways are possible. May their future belong only to them. To hear these regrets is to overturn the prejudices of an old patriarchal world which bruises “mothers and children first”.
Because it’s a deeply feminist book
Understanding these regrets is therefore saying that another vision of motherhood (and femininity!) Is still possible, not displeasing reactions. “The wish not to be a mother does not necessarily imply that these women wish to make disappear their children. The distinction between regretting motherhood and loving her children aims to cut the imaginary umbilical cord which connects them to their children, which allows them to have a relationship beyond the identities of “mother” and “child”, decrypts the author in this sense.
Through this taboo reflection, it is therefore an admirable empathy – and a cheerful sorority – that is expressed. Towards these mothers, but also towards all women, who have the right to be free, from their bodies, their choices and their opinions. Because to think of femininity beyond the notions of motherhood, family and children is to come back to the individual. To his health, mental and physical, to his rights, to his development: to come back to the human being beyond prejudices and labels. Not just feminine, but feminist thinking. Fundamental.The regret of being a mother , by Orna Donath.Editions Odile Jacob, 230 p.
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